It has finally hit...

I have been avoiding it, dodging around every possible corner, telling half-truths to prevent its inevitability. I have tried to believe that it will never get me, that I can go on throughout this life without feeling its effects. Unfortunately, it has time as an ally, and they have finally found me. A shot was fired today, and it found my heart. A heart which has been broken to pieces and repaired somewhat clumsily, I think. It hurts, and I don't like it. I want it to go away so badly! It has brought to my attention a reality I thought I could avoid: there is nothing more in this life I wouldn't rather have than my other half. I feel a little lopsided with all that I have taken on. Each stressor in my life is important--school, work, kids, housework. I am doing my very best to hold my family up, but loneliness is trying to crush me down. I need and want a strong man to help keep me upright, to support me. I have fantastic family and terrific friends, but it gets to a point when you need more. I can survive, but I'm not sure I can thrive. I look ahead to the next four years, and I am at a complete loss as to how I am going to survive it. Right now, all I can do is not look to far ahead into the future. If I do, I worsen my condition. I can only look from Monday to Saturday. One week at a time. Thank heavens for Sunday. It is my one reprieve.

My faith and hope are being attacked, and an attempt is being made to bring me down. Many others have fought this same battle and won. Good people, who have risen above their disability. There have even been general authorities that have made it with this same dilemma and continue to survive. I, too, can win. I am determined to at least give it a good fight. Even when others around me may, unintentionally, weaken my resolve, I will do my best to fall on my knees instead of my face. I must remember that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me and will not forsake me, so long as I am faithful and remain true.

This last week has been particularly rough. I have discovered that two people from my past to whom I gave my heart have given their hearts to others. One is to be married this weekend. I am happy for them. They feel they have found someone who will make them happy. But that does not lessen the blow. It does not deaden the hurt in my heart. My pain will be short lived. I will overcome, but for the moment, I am sad.